Archive for the ‘Home’ Category

If I tell you, she’ll have to kill me

September 26, 2007

The phone rang earlier this evening, and when I picked it up I was greeted by a man on the other end from an outfit named something like Audience Participation Surveys. I hate getting caught by telemarketers, and Caller ID on my answering machine usually saves me from that, but I thought the area code sounded like it belonged to one of my girlfriend’s friends.

Having caught hold of me, the guy explained that he “wasn’t selling anything”; he was just conducting a survey. I’ve taken part in telephone surveys on a couple of occasions. They tend to be interesting, but a little overly long. Just as I was about to tell him that I wasn’t inclined to participate, he informed me that he was looking to interview a woman between the ages of 18 and whatever. Did I have any in the household?

I had none, sadly. My girlfriend was out attending a professional function, and quite frankly she’s the only approved female occupant.

The guy asked when he could reach her, and I told him he could try back tomorrow at this time. He then asked me her name, so that he’d “know whom to ask for” when he called.

“Do you live with a woman?” I asked the caller.

I had to repeat my question, probably because he wasn’t prepared for it.


“Well,” I chuckled, “you just say the same thing you did this evening when you call tomorrow, and I’ll hand the phone over to her if she’s here.”

For his sake, should he one day live with a woman, I hope that he appreciates the wisdom in my example.


Have you heard the word of God today?

September 1, 2007

It was a beautiful day today, and on days like this it isn’t totally unexpected to find that the Jehovahs are making their rounds. A very nice gentleman named Bill, and wearing a Glen Plaid sport coat, rang the doorbell. When I answered, he introduced himself by saying he was doing “volunteer work” in the neighborhood.

A lot of people slam the door in the faces of evangelicals — Jehovahs, Mormons, what have you — but I’ll chat with them for a couple of minutes, if for no other reason than the entertainment value. I have a very strong inclination towards keeping myself entertained.

Bill asked me if I thought God was responsible for natural disasters. Being the sly non-believer that I am, I told him, “I wouldn’t say that.” I think he took my response as encouragement to continue.

I told him I really wasn’t interested in chatting, but that I would take one of his pamphlets. I got two — and a short verse from the Bible read to me.

The good news is God is just as concerned about these natural disasters as the rest of us. That’s what Bill said. And He is going to be putting an end to all of them very soon. I’m guessing that’s all going to happen after He tears the heavens asunder and consigns the wicked to perdition.

So, relax.